I went out with my ex for 3 and half years. I knew that it was unhealthily claustrophobic and it got to the stage where I really needed to get out as I’d lost so much of my sense of fun and confidence and I had not even realized how bad it had got. Still even after breaking up with him and reconnecting with all my best friends and getting myself back in the social loop and back to dressing up and dancing all night with fights I still kind of felt vaguely guilty about the whole thing. Somehow that it was my fault for changing and letting him down and just that we were not compatible.
As we broke up a few years ago I don’t think about this much so I was surprised when mucking about on myspace a few people down a chain of acquaintances I saw his new girlfriend as a friend’s good friend. So I clicked on her page and read this-
‘…and thank fuck for that! This has just been the shoddiest time as I finally realised that the person I was ‘going out with’ ( a euphemism for slowly stripping shreds of my self confidence away until I couldn’t even focus) was the biggest regret I have. Above and over crackhead boyfriends and being fed through a tube and ‘issues’ and rubbish friends. I met him in the super hot summer of 2006 and I was so happy, happy like Zap does happy, uni was going well, I could go out and dance and talk to people and listen to music late at night and play cards in bed if I felt like it….by the end of it I was a nervous wreck on beta blockers who can no longer drink (and that is tough when you have three Christmas do’s a week for weeks with people you barely know who want you to do karaoke) and no faith in my own opinions or who I am. It is strange to lose your entire sense of self. And of course, I take responsibility for my actions, for being so unable to say no, for trying to break it off so many times and always caving in because of overwhelming guilt and the idea that I am the only person tethered to any kind of reality that he even knows. I know that I could have been a lot more mentally strong and that I am weak and easily manipulated, that problems are always present and I don’t need any pushing to hate myself.
The last few weeks, now that he is no longer there, have been amazing, the lightness and the ability to be free, not to be shouted at with such venom over the fact I like Pavement and LCD Sound system, to sleep without being moaned at, to be in a room and not have to beg someone to leave me alone, to just give me some space.’
I don’t why but this has made me think about things a lot and whilst she clearly has had a crap time its almost comforting as it kind of confirms that he was unreasonable and manipulative and maybe its not totally my fault I was so miserable and couldn’t seem to work out why. I kind of knew I wasn’t all the things he insidiously accused me of such as being dull and conformist (which I am to an extent, but having a job, being independent and not sponging off my Mum is something worth conforming to I think), and stupid and picky and I don’t know nothing good, but to hear that he has turned someone else (I met the girl a few times through friends she looks like Cate Blanchet meets Kate Moss and was really fun to hang out with) really confirms that.
I suppose I thought I’d post this as it showed me that maybe I had a lot of insecurity from an old relationship that I wasn’t really dealing with and it takes a random source (his ex-girl in this case) to appreciate I don’t need to carry that. I am tempted to write her an email to say its ok I know how she feels, but think that would be too odd (I mean I read your blog on myspace makes me sound a bit stalker-ish even though I haven’t seen her page for well over a year) and maybe not be as helpful for her.
Anonymous
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All stories are submitted anonymously and I post them, these are not my stories I merely pass them on.
Chick-Nag 